What I Wish I Knew Before My Son Came Out As Transgender

My son Leo came out as transgender in the early morning hours of January 2, 2016, through a post he made on Facebook. I read the post later that morning in a quiet house, alone with my racing thoughts and a sleeping dog.

There was so much about what it meant to be transgender that I didn’t know when Leo came out. I learned a lot that first day, and much more in the days and weeks to come.

But looking back, I wish I had known a few things before Leo came out that would have made it easier for both of us.

First, I wish I had known what it meant to be transgender. Not for Leo specifically, because I would learn later that being transgender looks different for each person, but in general. For a long time, and I’m not proud to admit this, I thought the T in LGBTQ stood for transvestie - a person who cross-dressed as another person. After Leo came out, I learned that the term is now considered offensive, and the correct term is cross-dresser. My knowledge of what it meant to be transgender began when Leo came out, and I think it would have been easier if I had a working knowledge beforehand.

Albert Einstein said, “The only source of knowledge is experience,” and your child coming out as transgender is one of those occasions where experience is the best teacher.

I wish I had known that coming out wasn’t a one-and-done event. I thought that Leo’s post was it. I didn’t realize that coming out was an ongoing process. It took me a long time to understand that Leo would be coming out every time he met someone new, entered a new environment, began a new job, or found himself in a thousand other situations that required him to out himself - or not.

I spent a lot of time in those first hours and days after Leo came out trying to learn everything I could about what it meant to be transgender. I didn’t want my lack of knowledge to keep me from supporting Leo. Even though I didn’t know what his next steps looked like or what it all meant, I knew in my heart that supporting him was my next right thing to do, and I didn’t want to mess it up. What I would have wanted to know before he came out was how to be okay with not knowing.

It's enough to know your child is transgender. You'll have plenty of time to figure out the next steps and learn the answers to your unasked questions.

I wish I had known that sometimes there’s more to the offhand statements than meets the eye. Leo came out during the winter break of his first year of college. When he was in the last year of college (and maybe even sooner, I can’t remember), he made several comments that started with “guys are so lucky” or “boys are so lucky.” One was about how boys are lucky because they don’t have to carry a purse. Another was directed at my husband, saying guys are lucky because the only thing they have to take when they leave the house is a wallet. I vaguely remember one more about how men’s pants are superior to women’s because the pockets are bigger and better for carrying more things.

At the time, I didn’t think anything of these comments because, honestly, he wasn’t wrong about any of them. Men’s pants are better than women’s, and guys are lucky not to have to carry a bag when they leave the house, unless they choose to. I don’t remember how I replied, but I’m sure it was very non-responsive. I probably said something like, “Right?” and then got back to whatever I was doing. I’m sure it was disappointing to Leo, who I now believe was testing the waters a little bit.

I wish I had responded to offhand statements my son made about the opposite gender before he came out with curiosity instead of dismissal.

I often wonder whether responding differently would have helped Leo come out to me sooner. There’s no way to know, because Leo came out when he was ready, on his time, but he may have felt more confident in knowing that he would be loved and accepted here at home.

Finally, I wish I had known that transgender and nonbinary young people face disproportionately high rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide risk. According to research from The Trevor Project, 62% of LGBTQ+ young people reported experiencing recent symptoms of anxiety, and 47% of LGBTQ+ young people reported experiencing recent symptoms of depression.

While it’s not true of every transgender person, a lot of parents find that their transgender young adults show an improvement in their mental health after coming out. It takes a toll on a person to have to keep their identity a secret from the world for such a long time, and often it manifests as both anxiety and depression.

At the end of the day, Leo’s coming out was exactly how Leo needed it to be.

Nothing I could have known or learned would have changed that day. But I sometimes wonder if I'd have been better prepared to receive that information from Leo if I'd known some things ahead of time. Maybe I could have begun supporting him better right away.

Are there things you wish you knew before your child came out? I’d love you to share them in the comments.