Over the past several years, I’ve regularly run into one of my kid’s former school teachers around our community. After a few minutes of catching up, he inevitably asks how our children are doing. And each time, I’ve felt a rise of panic as I wonder how I should answer him.
Do I speak of my kids in the past, using their former names and pronouns? Do I out them to this former teacher who hasn’t seen them in over a decade? Has he heard from other students that they have transitioned, and is it a test to see how I respond? So many things run through my mind in a brief span of time.
One of the most challenging parts of parenting a transgender child can be figuring out what to say when people ask questions.
We want to honor our children’s identities and advocate for them; however, their identities belong to them and aren’t ours to share without their permission.
Finding that balance is tricky, especially in casual conversations where questions pop up unexpectedly. This is especially true when you are in conversation with people whom you haven't seen in a long time, who may not know that your child is transgender.
I've learned that it helps to prepare a few scripts in advance that you can practice, so you're not caught off guard and can protect your child's privacy while still maintaining a respectful conversation.
Here are some that may help:
When someone asks a personal question about your child's gender or body:
"That's not something I share on their behalf, but I appreciate your concern for them."
When relatives or acquaintances are curious about changes they've noticed:
"My child is figuring out how to live in a way that feels true to them, and I'm really proud of their courage."
When you're asked about your child's future (college, jobs, relationships):
"Like all young people, they're still discovering who they are and what they want. Right now, I'm focused on supporting them where they are."
When you want to pivot the conversation gracefully:
"That's part of their personal journey, and I'll let them share what they're comfortable with. In the meantime, did you hear…?"
When someone who hasn't seen your child in a long time asks how they are doing:
"Oh, haven't you heard? (Birth name) is now going by (new name) and is doing fabulously, thanks for asking."
*This is a script for if and when you feel comfortable sharing that information, and if you have your child's permission to do so.
Practicing scripts takes the pressure off you in the moment to think of what you are going to say and how you are going to say it in a way that honors your child and their privacy. It also saves you from that awkward pause, allowing you to answer confidently and without stumbling over your words. It helps when you feel caught off guard in the grocery store or at the coffee shop. You don’t have to figure out what you are going to say in the moment, because you’ve already decided ahead of time.
The goal isn't to have a perfect answer every time. The goal is to create a safe environment for your child and yourself.
You're allowed to set boundaries. People aren’t entitled to know everything there is about your child just because they are curious. Talk with your child ahead of time to decide what they are and aren’t comfortable with you sharing, and with whom.
You're allowed to say,”that's not mine to share." Just because people ask you a question doesn’t mean you have to give them an answer. If it’s not someone close to you and your child, feel free to be elusive. And even if you have permission to share from your child, you get to decide who you want to share with and when. Maybe you aren’t emotionally in a place to talk about your child on a day that someone asks. You can choose not to. It doesn’t mean you aren’t being supportive. It just means you are protecting your mental health.
Finally, you're allowed to practice until it feels more natural. That’s the whole point of having scripts - helping you to be able to talk about your child in the moment while protecting their privacy and not becoming flustered and tongue-tied over it.
What is one phrase you can practice this week to help yourself feel more comfortable when talking about your child?
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