A few months after my son Leo came out as transgender, I found myself at the community recreation center to participate in voting ahead of Town Meeting. Like I had every year before, I walked it, stood in the line for M-Z, and waited to announce my name to the ladies behind the table. The person behind the table that day was someone whose children had grown up with mine. Each of her boys had been in the same grade with one of my kids, and so we ran into each other at school events over the years. Plus, I worked at the elementary school when our kids were there.
“Hi Beth. It’s good to see you. How are (she says my kid’s birth names)?”
It was the same thing she said every year, yet this year it caught me off guard. It was the first time I had heard Leo’s birth name spoken out loud since he came out, and I wasn’t prepared for it. I stared at her for what felt like an hour, but was probably only thirty seconds, and muttered, “They’re great, thanks,” took my ballot, and quickly walked away.
As I stood in the voting booth, I berated myself for not handling that better. I felt like I had betrayed Leo by allowing someone to misrepresent him, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure it was any of her business. I vowed that next time I was in this position, I would do better.
At first, I thought there was a “right way” to tell people. Some perfect sentence, that if I practiced it enough times, would flow out and become easy to say.
So I decided what I would say if someone asked me that question again, learned my response, and then practiced it out loud. I practiced it in the shower, in my car, at work when I was alone, and in my head. “Oh, you didn’t hear? (Birth name) is going by Leo now, and he’s doing great, thanks for asking.” I felt confident that I was ready to talk about Leo and had the perfect segue to do so.
Several months after the incident at the voting place, my husband and I were at a local grocery store when we ran into one of the kids’ elementary school teachers in the frozen food aisle. He asked about the kids by name, and in that moment, I realized it didn’t matter if he knew that Leo was transgender, and I told him the kids were great. My husband used Leo’s birth name as he talked about him, mentioning which college Leo was at and how well he was doing there. I thought about how we may never run into this person again. And even if we did, I wouldn’t change how we interact with him about our kids.
Telling people your child is transgender isn’t just about sharing information. It’s about trust and deciding who gets access to something deeply personal about your child. It’s about honoring your child’s identity while also honoring their privacy and their safety.
You’ll find it really easy to tell some people that your child is transgender. You’ll be able to tell in the way they listen with full attention, how they ask thoughtful questions, and the way they already show up with kindness and curiosity. These are the people you already turn to when you have a problem that needs solving, or a heart that needs soothing.
Telling other people may feel more complicated: family members who have openly unaccepting points of view, old friends, acquaintances who don’t need to know yet, or ever. And it’s okay to let that complexity guide you.
You don’t owe anyone your child’s story. You owe your child love, support, and protection.
That understanding changed everything.
There will be times when you will share openly about your child, with their permission, because it feels like the right thing to do. Talking about your child being transgender may allow someone else who is transgender the ability to speak openly about themselves, or to feel safe to speak in spaces where they hadn’t before.
And there will be times when you choose to stay quiet because it feels safer for both you and your child. Giving simple answers that protect more than they reveal does not make you dishonest.
It’s also okay if your feelings are tangled. You can be proud of your child and still feel nervous about how others will respond. You can believe deeply in who your child is and still feel unsure about how to explain that to people who may not understand. Those emotions don’t cancel each other out; they coexist.
As time has gone on, I’ve felt less pressure to manage other people’s reactions to my children being transgender. It’s not my job to convince anyone, and I don’t need their approval.
I only need to love and support my children.
Sometimes that looks like sharing with others about their being transgender. Other times, it looks like saying very little.
If you are just starting out on your journey of supporting your child, know that there’s no one right way to talk to others about your child. And you are allowed to go at your own pace, and change your mind along the way. What matters most is that you protect and support your child.
Subscribe to get my latest content by email, and I'll send you SIX questions to ask yourself before sharing that your child is transgender: because it can be a little overwhelming and sometimes you just need to know where to start.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
