When You Feel Left Out Of Their Life

As parents, a big part of raising our children is hands-on. We spend much of the early years of their lives involved in every aspect of their lives, making every major decision for them and knowing where they are at all times.

Then, as they grow older, our roles begin to change. We become less of a participant and more of an observer. They begin to care more about the opinions of their peers than their parents, and everything we do is "cringeworthy." One day, you look around, and it feels like you aren't needed anymore.

There's a quiet kind of heartache that comes from watching your child move forward without you.

This can be especially difficult if you are the parent of a transgender, nonbinary, or gender-expressive child. You might feel it in unanswered texts. Or when you see a social media post about a name change your child didn't tell you about. Or when you hear about a milestone secondhand.

You may find yourself thinking, "I don't even know what's going on in their life anymore."

The pain you feel from what feels like rejection from your child is real and complicated. No one likes to think that their child no longer needs them, no matter how old they are.

This is because you still love your child with every ounce of your being. You may still support them, affirm them, and be proud of who they're becoming. But they've held back on sharing with you for reasons you may or may not understand. Or shut you out. Or set boundaries that feel like distance. And that hurts.

A lot of that is due to the normal processes of aging. Developmentally, your child is right where they should be, and part of that looks like pulling away and becoming more independent. Sometimes, it's because they're protecting themselves. Other times, it's because they've needed space to heal.

Sometimes, it has nothing to do with you at all. But it still feels personal. And it's okay to name that.

So, what can you do when you feel left out of your child's life? Here are a few ideas that may help you feel more included.

• Acknowledge the grief. Not being included in your child's journey, especially when you want to love and support them, can feel like a loss. Honor that pain, even if no one else sees it.
• Reach out gently, without expectation. A simple message like, "I'm thinking of you and I love you," goes a long way. Let them know the door is open without pressure to walk through it.
• Reflect on your part with grace. If there's been hurt in the past, be willing to ask, "Have I given them reason to step away?" And if so, make space for repair. Apologize where needed. But don't let shame silence you.
• Find peace in the waiting. This part is hard. Sometimes, relationships ebb before they flow again. In the meantime, lean on your faith, your community, or a trusted friend. You don't have to carry the ache alone.
• Keep loving anyway. Even if your child isn't inviting you into their process right now, you can still parent with intention. Keep learning. Keep showing up in ways that honor who they are becoming. Keep trusting that love matters, even when it's not visible.

Because here's the truth: You can be left out of their day-to-day and still be a meaningful part of their story. You can be apart and still be a parent. If this resonates with you, know you are not alone. There's no one "right" way to be in a relationship with your adult child, but love offered consistently and without condition is always a good place to start.