As parents, we want the holidays to be magical for our children. But what happens when the picture you have in your head of how the holidays look changes?
When our kids are small, we create holiday traditions we hope will continue year after year and that they'll carry into adulthood. We imagine that one day they'll have families of their own and share with their children how they too used to read a holiday book after dinner every night in December, or get new pajamas on Christmas Eve each year from Gramma.
Traditions give us a sense of who we are in our family and where we belong.
To deepen that sense of belonging, we gather with the people we love, the same familiar faces year after year. We know that familiarity builds comfort and trust over time. We hope the circle will get bigger as the family continues to grow.
Life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect, and sometimes it takes us in directions we couldn’t have anticipated.
When our kids come out as transgender, one of the first things to change is the way we celebrate the holidays. Several different reasons can drive this change. Let’s explore some of them.
First, some traditions may no longer feel comfortable or appropriate. For example, if your family tradition is that everyone dresses up for a holiday card photo, you wouldn’t want to force your child to participate if they aren’t out yet. Likewise, if they are out socially, you would want to let them dress in a way they feel comfortable in. If that isn’t something you feel comfortable with for the holiday card photo, you may want to consider not sending a holiday photo card, or sending a photo of your pet instead, or a scenic shot from a vacation.
Your child’s comfort and safety are more important than upholding a holiday tradition.
Just as it’s not appropriate for your child to participate in the holiday card photo if they aren’t comfortable, it’s important to discuss their attendance at family celebrations with them. If your child is the only LGBTQ+ person in the family, they may not feel that they can fully be themselves at family gatherings. Your child may feel they have to hide parts of themselves around extended family, which can be harmful to their mental health. They may also feel more comfortable around some family members than others. Talk with them before the holidays and let them decide which events they will and will not attend.
On the same note, if your child is an adult, they may be at the point where they are beginning to make their own holiday plans. This may look like celebrating with friends, their partner's family, or other loved ones. Just because you have always celebrated the holidays one way doesn’t mean your adult child wants to keep celebrating them the same way. It’s important that we respect our children’s wishes for independence and autonomy.
As your children age, it’s normal for your traditions to change and for your holiday gatherings to evolve. You can miss some of the traditions you had while making room for new ones. Change is hard, especially when it involves something sentimental like the holidays. It’s okay to be a little sad, even if you are making changes for a good reason.
Supporting a transgender child doesn't mean abandoning holiday joy; it is an opportunity to create inclusive, lasting memories.
Here are a few ideas for ways to make the holidays more meaningful for your child.
- Host an ornament-making night: Buy new stockings or craft new ornaments together to celebrate their new name and identity.
- Let them choose their attire: Let your child express themselves through their clothing, hair, and style choices at family events.
- Focus on shared interests over gender: Shift family activities toward gender-neutral options like movie marathons, board game nights, or baking.
- Gift based on wants, not expectations: Ask for a specific wish list and buy items they actually desire, rather than what you think fits a specific gender profile
The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and celebration for everyone. We want to create memories and traditions that bring meaning to our family, and we want our children to be free to be themselves and feel safe and joyful. We can do all of those things, even if it looks nothing like we once imagined.
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