When our son Leo came out as transgender, one of the most difficult adjustments we had to make was using a new set of pronouns when speaking about him.
After using one set of pronouns for 18.5 years, we didn’t always get it right, and we felt awful when we messed up, especially around Leo.
When Leo came out during his first year of college, he was already using the nickname Lee at college and dressing in the most gender-neutral clothing he owned. So the only thing that changed was that we had to start using that name for him, along with a new set of pronouns.
But when I looked at Leo, nothing about him seemed any different. And because he hadn’t begun taking testosterone yet, he didn’t sound any different either.
This made it harder for me to get Leo’s pronouns right, especially if he was in a nearby room and I could hear him talking. I focused so hard on saying he, but my brain heard the voice it associated with she, and sometimes the wrong thing came out.
It was especially hard if I had recently had a conversation with my in-laws who continued to use Leo’s incorrect pronouns for many months after he came out. Even though I worked hard to use the correct pronouns when talking on the phone with them, I often made mistakes after I got off the phone and talked with my husband.
When you’ve spent decades using one set of pronouns for your child, your brain builds muscle memory around that association.
It’s like riding a bike, or writing cursive. You don’t have to think about what you’re going to say when you talk about your child. Your brain just uses those pronouns when referring to your child.
Learning a new set of pronouns for your child doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a long time and a lot of practice. It also requires lots of repetition so your brain can build muscle memory with the new pronouns.
During this time, you’ll accidentally use the wrong pronouns for your child.
You might use the correct pronouns in one conversation and the wrong ones in another. This can be especially true depending on who you are talking with, like with my in-laws, how tired or stressed you feel, and how comfortable you are with the person you are talking to.
Using the wrong pronouns for your child isn’t the end of the world, but it feels like it when you are working so hard to use the correct ones. It’s especially hard when you can see the pain that using the wrong ones causes your child on their face.
It leaves you feeling frustrated and disappointed in yourself. You might find yourself wondering whether your child thinks you’re doing enough to practice, or whether they think you aren’t trying hard enough.
When we use the wrong pronouns for someone else, especially our own children, we can feel embarrassed and ashamed for getting them wrong, especially if we have been practicing. We want our children to feel supported and loved, and using the wrong pronouns when we talk about them feels like the exact opposite of that.
The best thing you can do when you slip up and use the wrong pronouns for your child is to make a brief correction and to move on. Something simple like, “I saw Jess yesterday and she, I mean he, is having the best time at NYU.”
Over-apologizing for using someone’s incorrect pronouns draws attention to it and can be embarrassing for them. In addition, you’re making it about you and making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.
What you don’t want to do, in addition to over-apologizing, is explain why you used the wrong pronouns or repeatedly tell your child how awful you feel.
The last thing we want is for our children to feel responsible for our feelings, which can happen if we keep making a big deal about getting their pronouns wrong.
However, if we notice that our children are particularly hurt or frustrated by our misuse of their pronouns, a quick apology is sometimes the right thing to do. You might say, “I'm sorry I used the wrong pronoun. I know this is important, and I'm working on getting it right.” Or, you could say, “I understand why that hurt. I'm sorry. I'll keep practicing.” Direct and to the point is key here, without making it about you or requiring your child to make you feel better.
If you continually struggle to get your child’s pronouns right, you might find this post on using proper gender pronouns on my blog helpful. In it, I list a few strategies to help you get better at it.
The most important thing you can do is be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn a new hobby, skill, or habit. Learning to use new pronouns takes time, too. You’re going to make mistakes, and you will wish that it wasn’t so hard. Your child doesn’t expect you to be perfect overnight; they just don’t want you to give up.
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