The image is a graphic of The TSER Gender Unicorn, which details the difference between Gender Identity, Gender Expression, Sex Assigned at Birth, and Physical Attraction.

What Is the Difference Between Gender Identity and Gender Expression?

coming out gender parent support so your child is transgender now what transgender Jan 16, 2019

I found out my son was transgender on an otherwise ordinary Saturday morning. There I was, going about my business, doing all the same things I do every morning, when the life announcement post with the little flag caught my eye as I was about to close Facebook. I read the post, reread it, then reread it. While I understood all the words, I couldn't understand what they meant together in the context of my child's post and how they applied to him specifically.


Transgender (adj.): of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth.


After a LOT of internal questioning and dialogue and many Google searches for the answers I didn't appear to have, I finally sorted out what my child was trying to tell me. For some undetermined amount of time (he didn't say in that post, I would learn it later), my child had been concealing the fact that he was presenting as a gender he did not identify as, and it was time for him to end the charade. He was coming out as his true self, which was his way of letting the rest of us know. 


At that time, I thought I knew what the word transgender meant. After all, I had seen The Birdcage and  Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar. My ignorance embarrasses me now. Those films feature drag queens, which is a performance-based identification. I could dress like a drag king and perform on stage, but I would still identify as a woman. You can view Courtney Act's explanation of the difference here. It's brilliant. 


I learned that being transgender is about gender identity. Someone who is transgender does not identify with the gender they have been assigned (usually at birth). So my son was assigned female at birth and spent nineteen and a half years presenting that way. From the time he was twelve, he knew that something wasn't quite right about that fact, but he didn't know just what it was. It's very likely that he knew longer than that but didn't understand that there was anything different about himself that was making him uncomfortable. Once he had the knowledge and language to understand his gender identity, he continued presenting as a female for reasons that made sense to him. 


It's a very personal choice for someone to come out publicly as transgender. They need to consider their personal safety, the environment they are living in, and the support system they have (or don't have) in place. Some children might be out at home but not at school or be out with certain family members but not others. It's crucial not to out a transgender person unless you have their permission to do so.


Your gender identity is different than your gender expression. A person can identify as a female and have a masculine gender expression. This might look like having a short hairstyle and wearing masculine clothing. That does not make a person transgender. In the same way, a male wearing a pink shirt or even painting his nails is neither a woman nor transgender.


Being transgender is about your inward identity. Gender expression is about your outward appearance. They might match. They might not. How you express yourself outwardly might change from one day to the next. Your inward identity doesn't change. People who are transgender don't just wake up one day and realize this truth about themselves. They have struggled with it for a long time, whether they have been able to put words to it or not. Often, they have struggled in silence, and it has manifested outwardly in depression and anxiety. You can learn more about gender identity and expression at the TransStudent website


Now that gender identity is becoming more socially acceptable to talk about, and transgender topics are out in the open, we are seeing a surge of young children exploring where they fit on the gender spectrum. They may grow up and be transgender, which covers a broad range of gender identities, or they may just be sorting out what it means to live in their bodies. Let's support them in whatever way we can. 



Subscribe to get my latest content by email, and I'll send you SIX questions to ask yourself before sharing that your child is transgender: because it can be a little overwhelming and sometimes you just need to know where to start.

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.