When our kids were in elementary school, we all walked to school together, because I worked there. We would talk about whatever, and then go our separate ways upon arrival. At the end of the day, we walked home together, and I would ask how their day was. Ember would tell me their day was fine, and Leo would chatter my ear off about their friends, what they were learning in school, whatever special they had that day, or anything or nothing in particular.
When they got to grades 7-12, they rode to or from school with my husband, depending on how early or late they wanted to arrive. I don’t know what they talked about in the car, but I kept asking about their day, usually at the dinner table, which was the first time we were all together. Ember would mutter, “Fine,” and Leo would offer a few details about his day, until he began to withdraw, and then he, too, would answer, “Fine.”
No matter what I tried, I couldn’t get them to talk about what was going on in their lives, and I hated it.
When my kids were in college, I would read advice from parents of teenagers or pre-teens to other parents about how the car was the best place to talk to their kids. They would say that just sitting next to your child would allow them to open up about whatever was on their mind. It is because they don’t have to look at you; they can just talk. I would think back to when our kids were that age and how much time they spent with their dad in the car driving places (we only had one vehicle then), and wonder how much and what he heard from them.
As our kids become adults, it can feel harder to stay connected to them. And when your child is transgender, that change can feel especially layered.
Our generation grew up with phones and phone calls that lasted for hours, even when you had nothing important to talk about. Our kids use phones for texting, keep them on silent, and would rather drag their feet through hot coals than answer a call from a number they don’t recognize. Technology has brought us FaceTime and Zoom, and sometimes I think about how it’s like those face-to-face conversations around the dinner table. I wonder if it makes it harder for our kids to share with us, or for us to have conversations with them.
Staying connected to our adult children can feel hard when they are busy, and so are we, but it’s not impossible.
Send a short text that says, “No need to respond, just wanted to say ‘Hi.’” This lets them know you are thinking of them, but takes the pressure off them to engage in a conversation. Likewise, you can send memes on social media that are tailored to their interests. Memes say, “Hi, I’m thinking of you,” in not-so-many words. Some people have a standing call with their kids at a certain time each week, every other week, or once a month. This works if you and your child each have a schedule that allows for that level of rigidity.
Staying connected isn’t about proximity or frequency. It’s about trust. It’s about showing up consistently, without conditions. It’s about making sure your child knows that no matter how old they are or how far away they go, you love and support them.
I’ve also had to learn when to step back. When to listen without guiding. When to let my child tell me what they need instead of guessing. That hasn’t always been easy. Letting go rarely is.
It can look like learning how to love our children while letting go of the control we had when they were younger. Other times, it’s showing them we care without asking too many questions or being too suffocating. We want them to be independent without feeling like our check-ins are intrusive rather than supportive.
It’s important to remember that your adult child has a life of their own that doesn’t revolve around social time with their family of origin, which is a normal part of growing up and maturing. It’s normal for adults to have careers, friends, and interests that keep them occupied and for them not to always want to be in contact with their parents.
Every stage of parenting has its challenges, and parenting adult children is no different. One of the biggest challenges people find once their children become adults is how to stay in touch with them in ways that respect each other's boundaries.
There’s something deeply meaningful about watching your child become more fully themselves and witnessing their confidence grow, their voice strengthen, and their life expand beyond the boundaries you once knew. Staying in touch means honoring that growth, even when it challenges the way you imagined parenting would look.
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