One thing that I didn't expect to learn as the parent of a transgender child was how to speak up for myself. Before I knew about personality types and the Enneagram, and was diagnosed with anxiety, I labeled myself as a shy person. I was never someone who would advocate for myself, let alone someone else.
I kept my opinions quiet when I thought they might offend someone. I avoided hard conversations, especially the kind that made people uncomfortable. My life experiences had taught me that being front and center didn't always work out in your favor.
Then I became a parent, and I learned that an essential part of parenting is speaking up on behalf of your child. This was never more true than when Leo was diagnosed with food allergies in middle school. Having to advocate for Leo's right to be safe in classrooms that were supposed to be food-free spaces and weren't helped prepare me for the time when I would begin to advocate for transgender people's right to be in spaces where they belonged and were being turned away from.
Because Leo came out as transgender as an adult, he only needed me to advocate for him for a short while, because he had that under control, so that's where I started.
I would correct people, especially family members, when they used Leo's wrong name and pronouns. I began commenting on the language people used, jokes that they told, or off-hand comments that they made that referenced the transgender or LGBTQ+ community, whereas in the past I would have stayed silent. I would challenge things that people shared on social media and their purpose for sharing them, pointing out how they could be harmful to my son. It wasn't easy at first, but the more I did it, the easier it became.
While all of this was helpful, where Leo really needed me to advocate for him was on behalf of his entire community, so that's where I took what I learned and ran with it.
Advocating for the larger transgender community felt harder, because I didn't know where to start. I thought about what issues worried me the most as the parent of a transgender child.
The idea that my son might not be able to participate in activities he wanted to, or to use the correct bathroom, or to be married one day, terrified me. I couldn't understand the hatred towards such a small percentage of the population.
I began following social media accounts that tracked anti-transgender legislation and paid attention to bills that were being introduced in my state. I wrote to my representatives and praised them when they advocated for transgender people and expressed my disappointment when they backed bills that would harm the transgender community.
In addition to this, I began sharing about these bills on social media, encouraging others to call their representatives as well. I watched as my follower count went down and paid attention to which long-time friends and family members no longer engaged with my page or content.
Advocating for marginalized communities can make you unpopular in your social circles, but imagine what it feels like to be a member of one of those communities and on the receiving end of other people's hate.
As I continued to speak up for the rights of others, I noticed that it became easier to speak up for myself. I began to advocate for better medical treatment when I didn't feel heard by my doctors. I spoke up when the floor contractors we hired did a poor job, which is something I would have just accepted in the past and then been unhappy with the results. I've begun enforcing boundaries that enable me to protect my physical and mental health, which is something I spent almost a decade working on in therapy, but have always had a hard time putting into practice.
Speaking up for myself isn't something that comes easily for me, but the more I advocate for the rights of others, the easier it becomes to advocate for myself.
Being a parent in this world, especially the parent of a transgender child, takes courage. And it takes courage to speak up for the transgender community, and yourself. Courage helps you use your voice for justice, set boundaries that help you love your child better, and speak truth in love.
Advocating for your child, for the transgender community, and yourself is noble work, and you are not alone in it. Keep pressing forward.
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