Several years after my son came out as transgender, I read a quote on social media that stopped my scroll. It read, “It's not your job to heal your family. It's your job to heal yourself."
When I read it, the voice in my head re-read it as, “It’s not your job to change your family. It’s your job to change yourself.”
I know for some of you, your family is very supportive of your child being transgender, and that's fantastic. Having the support of your loved ones is good not only for your child, but for you too. You need a support system too.
For many people, when your child comes out as transgender, there will be people in your life who don’t support them. And often, some of those people are close friends and family members.
It’s heartbreaking when the people in your life that you love and care about can't get on board with your child being transgender.
And I know your pain and heartache because I have people that I love who aren't on board with my kids being transgender. I haven't spoken with some of them in the ten years since Leo came out. Some of them told me they love my kids and me after Leo came out, that they supported him and us, but their actions in the following months said otherwise. And some of those people quietly slipped out of our lives without so much as a goodbye.
When people who are close to you don’t support your child, it feels like they are rejecting you as well. That somehow, it’s a personal failure on your part that they can’t get on board with your child being transgender.
It makes you feel like you did something wrong, and that if you had only done x, y, or z... or if you could do this, that, or the other thing better, maybe these people will come around.
When you are in a relationship with another person, no matter who they are, the only person you can change in that relationship is yourself. There may be things about that other person that frustrate you, like the fact that they don’t support your child, but they have to want to make that change for themselves.
You can’t change your family and friends. You can hope that they will come around, but that's on them. You can share information about being an ally, how important family support is for transgender people, or articles about whatever you think might make your people come around (I share them on Facebook because that's where my people are), and hope they see them. Still, they have to choose to be supportive.
And you never know what's going to catch someone's attention and be the thing that makes them come around. But you also have to accept that they might never.
How someone else feels about your child being transgender is their issue. The only thing you can change is how you respond to their reaction.
You can choose to keep those people in your life or walk away. This post has tips on what to do if you choose to try to maintain a relationship with unsupportive people.
In the meantime, you might have to take a break from anyone who doesn’t support your child, for your child's and your own health and well-being. And that sounds hard and awful, and it is. But remember that your child comes first.
So big hugs to all of you who are navigating complicated relationships right now. You aren't alone.
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