One of the hardest lessons I've learned as a parent of a transgender child is that their story isn't mine to tell.
When our children come out to us, it can feel like we've been trusted with something both sacred and fragile. We want to share because we're proud of them, or because we're looking for support, or because holding it all inside feels too heavy. But what happens when our child isn't ready for everyone else to know yet?
When our children come out to us, they trust that we'll honor their wishes, which may include not disclosing that they are transgender.
When my oldest, Ember, came out socially as non-binary, they only came out to our immediate family and a few of their closest friends at first. Ember wanted to get used to the idea of being out to people they trusted first before they shared about themself and their new name with people they felt less close to.
For a period of time, we talked about Ember as if they were two different people. We used their correct name and pronouns with the select few people who knew them, and Ember's birth name and pronouns with everyone else. It was confusing at times, and sometimes I felt as if I were keeping a secret from our extended family.
I had to continually remind myself that it didn't matter what I thought about the situation; it mattered how Ember felt, which was loved and supported.
As parents, we want to support our children, but at the same time, we need to be able to be supported so that our mental health doesn't suffer and we can be better parents to our children.
That's where the tension lives: balancing our own need for honesty and connection with our child's need for safety, privacy, and control over their story.
Here are a few things I've found helpful:
- Remember whose story it is. Our children's identities are theirs to share. What feels like news to us is actually their truth, and they deserve the dignity of choosing when and how it's spoken aloud.
- Find safe places for your story. You can still share your experiences without disclosing what your child isn't ready for others to know. You might say, "Parenting has been stretching me in unexpected ways," or "I'm learning how to love my child more fully." Your journey matters too, and you deserve support, but keep your child's details private.
- Choose trusted confidants wisely. If you need to talk openly, pick one or two people who are deeply trustworthy, supportive of LGBTQ+ people, and able to hold your words with care. Sometimes that person is a counselor, a support group, or another parent walking a similar road.
- Practice neutral language in public. When others ask questions you aren't ready (or allowed) to answer, it's okay to set boundaries.
Phrases like:
"That's their story to share when they're ready."
"Right now, I'm just focusing on being the best parent I can."
These protect both your child and your relationship. - Trust the timing. It can feel lonely to hold back. But waiting honors your child's trust. And when they're ready to share, you'll know you stood beside them, not in front of them.
At the heart of it, sharing about our children is less about what we say and more about how we protect, affirm, and honor them, even when silence is the harder choice.
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