When my son Leo came out as transgender, one of the first things I worried about was how our family would react to the news. During those first hours after I read his Facebook announcement, I thought about my very religious mother, my husband’s parents, who were very involved in their church, and my brother, who used to be the youth pastor at his church. What would they think? Would they support Leo, or would their Catholic upbringing stand in the way?
It turns out, all that worry was for nothing. Our families have been very supportive of Leo since the very beginning. It may have been a huge adjustment for some of them, but over time, they have all done the hard work of learning new pronouns and adjusting to a new name and of talking about Leo’s past.
Sometimes, we don’t give our family members enough credit because we are so busy worrying about protecting our child.
And sometimes, our worry is justified. Not everyone has family members who are supportive of their child when they come out. This can feel heartbreaking for both you and your child. As parents, we want those closest to us to love and support our children as much as we do.
There are a lot of reasons members of your family may not be on board with your child when they come out as transgender. It could be that they don’t understand what it means for your child to be transgender, and they need time to learn and gather more information. Perhaps they need to sort out their feelings and need some space to do so. Or maybe they need to reconcile what they believe in their heart and what their faith community says.
Just because someone in your family doesn’t support your child when they first come out doesn’t mean they will continue to be unsupportive forever.
In this post, I shared what to do when your spouse or partner is unsupportive of your child. I discussed how sometimes your partner may need more time and how you may decide that, to move forward, you need a break from each other. This is true of any relationship, and breaks are not only healthy, but they can also be the catalyst for change.
Not everyone is motivated to change by time and space apart, however. One of the things you have to accept when you give people space to work out their stuff is that they won’t reach a place of understanding and support.
It’s important to remember that how people respond to your child being transgender is their issue, and has nothing to do with your child or your parenting.
In the meantime, here are a few things you can do to help someone who is struggling to get on board with your child being transgender:
1. Have a conversation with them. Ask them specifically what they are having trouble with. Is it a lack of understanding of what it means to be transgender? Are they conflicted due to religious beliefs? Are they being influenced by what they read in the news? Once you know what their struggle is, you know what your next steps can be.
2. Share some resources with them. Send them links to articles or suggest books that directly address the struggles they shared with you during your conversation. Maybe your child came out as nonbinary, and they don’t understand what that means, and they also don’t believe that they/them pronouns are grammatically correct. You could recommend a book about being nonbinary, such as They/Them/Their by Eris Young or Life Isn’t Binary by Alex Iantaffi and Meg John Barker. In addition, you could send them an article about how to use they/them pronouns.
3. Model appropriate behavior. Your family member may not be on board yet, but they are observing your every move. If you want people to support your child, lead by example. Use your child’s correct name and pronouns every time you speak of them, write about them, and if you slip up, correct yourself and move on. People will notice how you treat your child and how you speak about them, and it will be the model for how they treat your child as well.
4. Set firm boundaries. It’s okay for people to need time and space to sort out their issues, but that doesn’t give them permission to treat your child poorly in the meantime. You can tell them they can take all the time they need, but in the meantime, you won’t tolerate them talking poorly about your child or other transgender people. You can block them on social media if you see them posting anything negative about transgender or LGBTQ+ people. And you can set a boundary that says they aren’t allowed near your child until they can be supportive of your child.
You are not responsible for ensuring that people respond positively to your child being transgender. In fact, not everyone will. You can hope that your family members will be supportive, because we all want our family to love and support our children, no matter the circumstances.
Getting family on board with your transgender child requires prioritizing education and open communication to build trust, but it also requires firm boundaries to protect your child if required.
Be patient, understanding, and firm, while extending love and kindness to your family, and hopefully it all works out for the best in the end.
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