Every October 11th, National Coming Out Day invites us to celebrate visibility and affirm the courage it takes to live authentically. For some, it’s a day of pride and joy. For others, it can bring up complicated emotions: fear, longing, grief, or uncertainty about what the future holds.
As parents of transgender children, many of us find ourselves caught in this tension. We are proud of who our child is, but we also know the world isn’t always safe or welcoming. We want to shout their names from the rooftops, but we also want to wrap them in protection and keep them from harm.
The truth is: coming out isn’t just one day. It isn’t a single moment where everything shifts forever. It’s a process—a series of conversations and choices that unfold over time, in different places, with different people.
Even though it has been almost ten years since my son Leo came out as transgender, I'm still learning about the coming out process and how it's constantly evolving as our kids grow and change.
Here are a few things I've learned about supporting our children through this ongoing journey:
Respect your child’s pace. Coming out belongs to them, not us. Our children deserve to decide when, how, and with whom they share their truth. When we honor their pace, even if it feels slow or hard, we build trust and show them we’re safe people to lean on.
Support doesn’t require a public announcement. You don’t need a viral social media post to be an affirming parent. Small, daily choices matter: using the right name and pronouns at home, advocating for them at school or work, and creating a space where they know they are loved exactly as they are.
Remember: parents “come out,” too. In a way, we come out alongside our children, as the mom or dad of a transgender child. That can feel scary, especially if you worry about judgment or rejection. But sharing your love for your child (when it’s safe to do so) models courage and helps reduce stigma for others. Many of us also come out as allies, but also demonstrates our support for their friends and community.
Hold space for many layers. For transgender kids, coming out isn’t one and done. It might mean sharing a name, pronouns, identity, or new ways of presenting themselves, sometimes over and over again in new environments. Our role is to be steady through it all, reminding them they don’t walk alone.
Mark the day with love. Even if your child isn’t ready to be public, you can still celebrate them. Write a letter telling them how proud you are, make their favorite meal, or simply say, “You don’t have to share your story today, but I’m grateful you trusted me with it.”
National Coming Out Day is about visibility, but visibility isn't the goal for every child, not yet, and sometimes not ever. What matters most is that our children know they are loved, affirmed, and safe with us.
So, whether your child is out everywhere, only to you, or not out at all, you can still honor this day. Show up for them with love. Respect their timing. And trust that your quiet faithfulness matters more than any public declaration.
Being a parent of a transgender child isn't about one day; it's about walking beside them every day.
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