When my son Leo was three, one of my husband's sisters got married, and we were all asked to be part of the wedding party. Leo was the flower girl, and my mother-in-law and soon-to-be sister-in-law picked out the prettiest little dress for Leo, which was essentially a little wedding dress. It had satin, embroidered flowers, tulle, and even a headpiece. Leo looked adorable in it, and I can't begin to tell you how much he loved that dress.
Obviously, the highlight of the day was the wedding of my husband's sister and her spouse, but I remember thinking, at one point, seeing my youngest child across the room dancing in that fancy dress, that I was getting a glimpse of the future. Someday, we'd all be at a different wedding, watching Leo dance with his spouse, but the dress would be different, and we didn't know who the spouse would be yet.
Sixteen years later, Leo came out as transgender, and that dream changed.
Suddenly, the wedding I imagined for Leo no longer matched the image I had carried in my mind all those years. I didn't know what it would look like, but I knew it would have to be reimagined.
One of the most challenging things we have to do as parents of transgender children is to let go of the ideas we've carried about our children and the futures we envisioned for them and learn to accept the children we have right in front of us. We have to learn to celebrate them on their terms, in their time.
Long before our children are born, we envision the people they will grow into and what their lives may look like. We think about what kinds of activities they may enjoy and what activities we will do together with them.
Later, there are birthday parties, favorite characters, first days of school with embroidered backpacks and matching lunchboxes, soccer games and dance recitals, and all those firsts we waited so long for.
But what if the milestones we envisioned for our children no longer fit the same? What if, somewhere along the line, our children transform into a new version of themselves, and the celebrations we had planned for them have to disappear entirely?
Much of life is about navigating change, and change isn't good or bad; it's just different.
And while different can make us feel uncomfortable at first because we aren't used to it, given enough time, different can begin to feel normal. When we start to reimagine the celebrations we had planned for our children, it can feel sad or disappointing at first because the reality doesn't match the image we had carried in our head for such a long time.
But when you begin to replace that picture with a new one, you may discover that those celebrations are deeper, braver, and more meaningful than you could have imagined.
Celebrating your child doesn't always look like a big party. Sometimes, it looks like buying them a cupcake with their new name on it the day they get their legal name changed. It could look like sending a "congratulations!" text after their first appointment for hormone replacement therapy or the day they do their first shot. It could be a basket of self-care items to help them recover from gender-affirming surgery. Maybe it's standing in the back of a Pride parade with tears in your eyes, knowing how far they've come.
Celebrating your child on their terms means letting go of old narratives so you can fully embrace the new one they're writing now.
It might mean getting comfortable with discomfort. Or perhaps sitting with your own grief while still showing up with joy. Maybe it looks like taking the focus off yourself and placing it where it belongs: on them.
It means asking: What matters to them? What makes them feel seen?
How can I honor the milestones they name as sacred even if I don't fully understand them yet?
And sometimes, it's about re-teaching yourself the language of love. Not just "I love you," but also, "I'm proud of you." "I see how hard you've worked." "This is worth celebrating because you are worth celebrating."
Celebrating your child doesn't mean you've arrived at a complete understanding of what it means for them to be transgender. It means you're willing to be present in their becoming.
It means love gets the final word.
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