When Leo came out as transgender, it took me a while to learn that loving him wasn't a private act - it was a public one, too. But first, I had to find my voice. I spent a lot of that first year talking about Leo being transgender with a closed circle of people. My circle looked like immediate family, a few close friends, and my therapist. It wasn't until the fall of 2017, almost two years later, that I began sharing about it openly both here, on social media, and with my email list.
When your child comes out as transgender, it can feel like you go through two stages. The first is when you talk about it privately with family and friends while getting used to your child being transgender. The second is when you talk about it publicly. This can look like sharing it with others, such as co-workers or casual acquaintances, advocating for your child in public spaces, or sharing about it on social media.
It takes a lot more courage to share publicly about your child being transgender than it does to share about it privately, but advocating for your child is one of the most powerful ways to show your support for them and the transgender community.
One thing I didn't have to do, because Leo was in college, was to advocate for him in schools or defend him before school boards, although I would have fiercely. I know this isn't true for many of you.
You may be watching new policies take shape in your district. Maybe you're worried about pronouns being erased from student records, or restroom access becoming a battleground. Your heart could be breaking quietly as the loudest voices in the room drown out the quiet dignity of your child. What do you do when it all feels like too much?
Loving your child can be quiet, like using their correct name and pronouns, but sometimes love looks like raising your voice in public spaces, even when your hands are shaking.
It can feel overwhelming to think about writing a letter to your child's school or school board, especially if you've never done it before. It's important to remember that even though it may feel like they are against your child, most people in education and on school boards care about children and their well-being.
Before you get started, make sure you know what the policies are at your child's school that you are speaking to, as well as the laws in your state that protect transgender students. You want to be as informed as possible, so there's no question in their minds that you know what you are talking about.
In addition to being well-informed, it's essential to make sure you have your child's permission to contact the school on their behalf. Keeping them included in the process will help them feel loved and supported.
Below is a simple guide to help you write a letter to your local school board, with clarity, compassion, and courage. You don't have to be an expert in what you are addressing. You just have to be willing to speak up.
- Begin with why this matters to you. Doing so will help the board members see you as a person, not just a position. Share a short, personal statement that connects you to the issue you are addressing.
“I’m the parent of a transgender student in your district…”
“My child graduated last year, but I still care deeply about the well-being of every student who walks your halls.”
“I’m writing as a person of faith and a parent who believes all children deserve safety, dignity, and belonging.” - Be clear and specific about what issue(s) you are responding to. Share your concerns, using clear language, facts, and objective observations. Avoid saying things like "I heard", "It's rumored that," or "other people say." It's okay to ask questions such as: "How will these changes support the mental health of transgender students?
“I’m writing in response to the proposed bathroom access policy…”
“I’m concerned about recent changes to how names and pronouns are recorded…” - Share a personal story. Keep it brief and focused on what you hope for, not just what you fear. You want your letter to be as positive as possible.
“When my child began using a different name at school, they finally started making eye contact again.”
“The support we received from our school counselor was life-giving—and every child should have that same support.” - Ask for them to take action. Be clear and specific about what action(s) you would like them to take in response to your letter. What outcomes would you like to see as a result of this exchange?
“Please vote no on this policy.”
“Please ensure staff are trained in affirming care for LGBTQ+ students.”
“Please protect the right of students to be called by their correct name and pronouns.” - Close with kindness. You can end with appreciation or a reminder of your shared values. Remember that at the end of the day, you both want the same thing - safe schools for every student.
“Thank you for the time and care you give to our district.”
“I believe our schools can be a place where every child—no matter their gender identity—is safe and supported.”
Try to keep your letter to no more than one page. While you are passionate about this cause and advocating for your child, you want to ensure your letter is respectful and professional. The school board is more likely to take action if they don't feel attacked.
Rebecca Minor, LICSW, who is a licensed gender specialist, has a great template for how to draft a letter to a school or organization on behalf of your child. You can find it here.
You can send your letter to the school board by email or regular mail. Once you send your first letter, you may find yourself writing to your school board again about other issues you wish to address. You may even find yourself attending school board hearings and addressing the board directly.
The more you practice, the stronger your public voice will become.
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